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Innan det blev juggernaut det är idag, det var det inflytande som det hade på filmskapande kommunit y, ett inflytande som skapade otaliga Star Warsploitation-filmer En sådan film är föremål för den här månaden s promenad genom The Humanoid 1979 av regissören George B Lewis, som inte bara lånade aspekter från Star Wars utan samarbetade också ett namn som mycket liknar George Lucas, jag trodde att Asylen var skamlös. Regissörens faktiska namn är Aldo Lado, ett namn som passar en anagrammästare eller en mästersampler av andras arbete. Också nog, för all anslag i The Humanoid har filmen s titel inte ordet stjärna eller krig som de flesta andra Star Warsploitation-filmerna. Jag antar att det fanns en rad som Lado inte skulle korsa trots allt, trots att jag skrapar mitt huvud på den. Som sagt, låt oss se hur mycket Lado samplade i denna promenad genom 1979 spaghetti Star Warsploitation, The Humanoid. Eller mer exakt öppet för olika 1970-talets planetarium stillbilder i rymden, åtföljd av någon Orbital-esque electronica. En exposiv krypning läses av en livlös röst, sannolikt planetarium anställd som Lånade bakgrundsbilden Han berättar historien så långt Jord nu är Earthopolis i en hel röra o problem Lord Growl har rymt från fängelsatelliten där han fängslades och söker hämnd på sin bror, Great Bruh, för att fängsla honom. Försvinner och väntar på det. Till och med Lord Growl s Sun Destroyer flyter över skärmen En rymdpolisen patrullerar skeppsupplöpningar efter den tåliga Sun Destroyer Hoppade på rymdmachismo, de beställer Sun Destroyer att dra över, copping några falska avgifter som Sun Destroyer Flyger i ett rymd HOV-lane med endast hundra hantlangare ombord, tydligt kränker rymdstadgan 4 Lord Growl, som NWA, har antagit en strikt fk polisens attityd och blåser dem upp för sina uppenbara rasistiska tjurar t. Tryck in i Sun Destroyer. Lord Growl, en Hyr-A-center Darth Vader i svart Samurai pansar och hjälm, monologer, Min bror har gjort sin armé uppblåst med fred Ointresserad, befälhavaren håller sig om sin verksamhet Efter en obekväm E tystnad Lord Growl growls, Hur långt är vi från Earthopolis. Vi närmar oss tyngdkraften, säger Sun Destroyer-pilot, Ensign Peon Ah, så i den här versionen av rymden är framtiden tyngdkraften en avståndsenhet, vilket innebär att den här filmen är i tradition för att strikt separera vetenskapen från science fiction. När de når Earthopolis S gravitation Lord Growl kommandon hans elit Squalltrooper strejklag för att lansera deras uppdrag ta tag i Crapatron och döda det Barbara Gibson. Vänta Barbara Gibson Utrymme Framtiden är befolkade med kvinnor som heter Barbara Gibson Åh, höger Detta är en 1970-talets Spaghetti Star Warsploitation Ingen går till dollar-biografen för att faktiskt se den här filmen Publiken är antingen nacke eller med bakre raden som toalett Min dåliga Gå vidare till Barbara på Work. Barbara arbetar på Earthopolis Central, en byggnad mitt i öknen, där människor antingen vandrar runt oändligt eller sitter i slumpmässigt placerade skrivbord, vrider omkopplarna, vrider knopparna och tittar på blinkande lampor Barbara är mellanhantering, framgår av att hon berättade lite flunkigt för att kolla påtrycket innan hon återvände till hennes panel. Ett samtal kommer in för Barbara från Tom Tom, ett ungdoms före barn som är hennes son. Oavsett förhållandet är han en slags mentalistisk, chockad full av mini-chutneyans, för att han använder en Jeti Mind Ruse som låter som rymdjibberjabber för att få Barbara att lämna jobbet och komma hem Otroligt fungerar det Barbara s ansikte droppar till ännu mindre uttryck när hon stiger fr Om hennes skrivbord och går mekaniskt bort Vid den yttre porten pistolar hon sin motor på X-5 Ground Speeder och drar bort precis som Lord Growl s elite Squalltroopers attack. Earthopolis guards är ingen match för ett angrepp av Stephen Hawking, mycket mindre kompetenta soldater Squalltroopers kan faktiskt slå sina mål. Säkerhetsstyrkorna bryter sig inte ens om att titta upp när Squalltroopersna går in, trots att det uppenbarligen finns det för häftiga skäl, jag vet att det inte är politiskt korrekt att stereotypa, men de är re-A-Center Tie Fighter Pilots hjälmar som täcker sina ansikten, allt det glänsande svarta läderet och blasterriflarna kommer på. När de eliminerat alla, säkerhetsstyrkorna och kontorspersonal, börjar Squalltroopersna på deras första målskrot Earthopolis Central för en behållare märkt K för Crapatron I lagret rum, det vill säga en klädkammare med 4 insatsskåp, Squalltroopersna hittar fyra behållare, men är förskräckta eftersom ingen av behållarna är märkta med en K De rac Jag försöker bestämma vilken behållare som har Crapatron Det finns bara fyra behållare, som alla kan gripas eftersom det finns fyra Squalltroopers, det är inte som att de behöver oroa sig om de hyllar sina vapen, eftersom alla är döda, men vad än helst Kryten, ledare Squalltrooper, minns Lord Growl sa att Crapatron kan vara i en udda formad behållare Så de kontrollerar var och en En runda En är fyrkantig Sluten är åttkantig Det är det. Eller vänta Did Lord Growl säga att det var möjligtvis i en svart behållare Eller kanske Det var i Earthopolis West. Moving hastigt på. Och ja, jag inser att det bara var tre behållare när det var ursprungligen fyra. Skulle inte skylla på mig, skyll filmen. Ta till Sun Destroyer. Back på Sun Destroyer, erkänner Kryten till Lord Growl att de inte döda Barbara men de Fick Crapatron Väl antagligen fingrar korsade bakom ryggen Lord Growl lägger nästan Laser Hands på Kryten, men det skulle innebära specialeffekter och Growl vill inte förstöra Big Boss-kampen senare, så istället väljer han att straffa Kryten Straffet Kryten förlorar of his privileges for 100 days No interwebs Ouch That s why he s known as Lord Growl The Unfair His evil know no bounds. Cut to Earthopolis. Princely Hero Nick the dashing protagonist of the movie visits the Grand Council of Bros Before Hoes Great Bruh, leader of Earthopolis and Chugmaster Most Rad, is greatly disturbed by the Squalltroopers attack, yet is thankful Barbara survived She was the one he drank tequila shots from her you know what, never mind Although the nuclear stockpiles were untouched the Grand Council of Bros Before Hoes calls for the security forces to inflict death on the enemies of Earthopolis but only if necessary Oh So that s why they were such useless dorks Before the special decree of Inflicting Death all the security forces could do was whimper, Hey and shake a finger reproachfully. Cut to Barbara s House. As it turns out, Tom Tom called Barbara home to play video games Well, kind of Tom Tom is too busy reading to give his full attention to the game, which annoys Barbara to no end Really Tom Tom is such a dork Does he want to grow up what for to be all smart and stuff. Barbara, like the champ she is, asks Tom Tom for permission to cheat by consulting the computer it can solve 18 unknowns to the fourth power Even with the help of the computer, and Tom Tom being distracted, he manages to kick her butt with one move. Maybe Barbara should crack open a book now and again herself At the very least read the cover of the book Tom Tom is reading How to Win at Viddy Games Programmatically by Stephen Hawking If she had done so maybe she might have had an inkling why Tom Tom was willing to let her use the computer to cheat. All of this might have you wondering, so what What s going on here Who is this Barbara and Tom Tom The answer is discouraging because script The kicker Tom Tom is Barbara s pupil Uhm Okay She s as smart as a dusty gummy bear Besides, she leaves him at home while she goes to work for Earthopolis Central at her day job What part of that makes any sense Okay, never mind that, how about the bigger issue, namely Tom Tom being WAY smarter than Barbara but so is a half-chewed eraser So what exactly is she teaching him, and more importantly, why is he living with her Thankfully, the movie never answers these questions. The scene fizzles out just as Barbara asks Tom Tom why he had her leave work. Cu t to The Planetarium. Great Bruh and Princely Hero Nick engage in exposition about Crapatron, it s properties and how all the characters introduced thus far are connected Crapatron is a space rock that can modify cell structure, transmuting a person into a monstrosity with super human powers Barbara, whose managerial button pushing is scientific oversight in nature, discovered Professor Crapspin performing his evil experiments with Crapatron She promptly reported her findings and Crapspin lost his funding, lab, and graduate students In a move that would make Sherlock Holmes proud, Great Bruh deduces, if Crapatron was stolen it must have been Crapspin who was behind it Moreover, because it was Barbara s tattling which ruined Crapspin, she is obviously in danger. Away, Princely Hero Nick Save the damsel. Cut to Montage of Planetarium Show Slides. with more Orbital-esque electronica. Fade to Space. The Sesquicentennial Pelican , piloted by Jaws the Bond villain not the shark, though the latter would have been way cooler , slides across the screen Jaw is lost, the Pelican s satellite navigation is down, and On Star won t answer his space call Lonesome and dejected, Jaws turns to his co-pilot, a robocur named UhOh 9, and grunt-mumbles, Ugh, I m having trouble Ugh It s hard or something like that, he s hard to understand UhOh 9 sits there, eye panel full of blinky lights, and whines and whines, and whines, and whines UhOh 9 is a half Aibo, half R2D2, half swap meet Chinese knock off in exactly those proportions, with a third the personality. Jaws continues grumbling and fiddling with knobs when one of the dials on the mixer-board uhm, I mean, the control panel showers him with sparks Yet, just as he s about to go full Eeyore, Lord Growl s Sun Destroyer flies by. He s saved Jaws pulls on his leather flying helmet to protect his precious brain from all the space g s he is about to pull and makes a quick u-turn. Cut to Barbara s House. Princely Hero Nick delivers the news of the stole n Crapatron and the likely attempt to kill Barbara that goes with it Also that all her co-workers are dead, and she didn t use the new cover letter on her last TPS report, which means she is subject to immediate termination. All of which is incidental because Princely Hero Nick is more concerned with how Barbara is alive at all How did she know to leave Earthopolis Centeral mere seconds before the attack She tells him Tom Tom saved her He had called her home. Meanwhile, Tom Tom is outside talking to some strange performance artists cosplaying as Moon Knight Barbara doesn t know who they are, nor does she seem to care. Maybe it was because they were dressed in non-threatening white, or maybe in the space future there s no such thing as stranger danger, but mostly it s because she s an idiot Again, why is she his teacher caretaker. When Tom Tom returns, Barbara asks him how he knew she needed to leave work A hunch, he replies Okay, that checks out No need to pursue it further Princely Hero Nick pulls Barbara away to talk more about the Crapatron. Cut to Space, Sun Destroyer. Lord Growl s ship is approaching his home planet, Planet Knockoff Knockoff is appropriately named because it too is a desolate desert planet, exactly similar to Tatoo Earthopolis. Down on the planet, Lady Agatha Chesty wrings her hands while her chesticles heave all is not well. Elsewhere, Professor Crapspin s transparent iron maiden closes on a naked woman, sucking the life juice out of her the clear plastic makes it possible to see her boobies while she s being drained This draining procedure is the cause of Lady Chesty s anxiety the life-juice extract is a cocktail she uses to stay young and beauty and endowed with full breasts. Meanwhile, in the landing bay, peons mill about as the Sun Destroyer lands Milling not just anywhere, but directly under where the ship is touching down. There s lots of walking and bowing to eat up runtime as Lord Growl marches to meet Professor Crapspin Growl is eager to hear Crapspin s plan to capture Earthopolis Growl fears Earthopolis s superior fighting forces, the same forces which have barely provided target practice for his Squalltroopers, but whatever it s in the script so just go with it. Professor Crapspin lays out his scheme which involves using the Crapatron to make an army of humanioids indestructable human rowbits Note rowbits are some kind of genetically mutated monstrosities, or perhaps a mispronunciation of robots Eh, either way, same difference With such an army under their control they ll conquer the universe In fact, they ll probably be able to get that stinking Barbara Gibson, too. Cut to Space, Sesquicentennial Pelican. Jaws is still having problems with the ship because the blinky lights aren t lighting in the proper order or something He tried turning the console off and on again with no luck The only thing left for him to try is head back to the rear and free up the positrons. Ah, Jaws, come on man Everyone knows you never free up the positrons Freeing up the positrons always causes you to crash. Cut to Professor Crapspin s Lab. Or is that Crapspin, down on the planet surface, is pushing random levers that causes one to crash Either way, the Sesquicentennial Pelican dives right into the drink. Through his God Cam, Crapspin observes Jaws collecting himself after the crash Crapspin is quite pleased with himself Jaws is a perfect test subject for a Crapatron bomb So, he calls Lord Growl and Lady Chesty to join him for a demonstration. Cut to The Crash Site. Jaws unloads UhOh 9 and goes back for his space something-or-other As he is doing so Crapspin s missile is barreling down on the Sesquicentennial Pelican UhOh 9 hides behind a rock as the missile hits, which destroys the Pelican Jaws plods out of the water somehow in one piece that is, except for his beard, which is now missing. The Crapatron warhead is some kind of anti-neutron bomb It destroys non organic materials leaving the people unscarred Well, that is, except their beards, which should be fine and their clothes, which should be destoryed Ugh Whatever. Leaving that mess for prosperity to work out, there is significance to the missing beard A little known law of space science states when exposed to Crapatron a human will lose his or her beard This loss is directly proportional to the gain of Indestructible Human Rowbit power I think My space science is a little rusty I took it my freshman year of college and haven t used it since, but for this movie that explanation is good enough. UhOh 9 whimpers at his transformed master Jaws is now the Humanoid , peeking meekly from behind his safety rock Humanoids have no uses for pets, mechanical or otherwise, so Humanoid backs away feigning ignorance of any connection to the robocur. Professor Crapspin sends a couple squads of Squalltroopers to attack Humanoid to test his strength They re the Z team because why waste good men, right , but they still have their rifles, and still can hit the target, so they re good enough for this job Unfortunate for them Humanoid is laser burlet proof, negating their one advantage, resulting in the prompt butt stomping they receive. Satisfied with the display, Crapspin drops a narcotic bomb to subdue Humanoid They return to Crapspin s lab where he implants a control Bindi on Humanoid s forehead Now all they have to do is complete the main Crapatron warhead and they ll be ready to attack Earthopolis. Cut to Sun Destoryer. One week later the main Crapatron warhead is ready. Why one week Because if it was ready immediately the movie would lose all credibility Or something Doesn t matter It s not like this movie, or the audience, cares. So with the Crapatron warhead ready, Lord Growl loads up the Sun Destroyer and heads back to Earthopolis to exact his revenge. Cut to Outskirts of The City. They drop Humanoid just outside The City, poke him with a sharpened stick to rile him up, and escape back into orbit to watch the hilarity. The Earthopolis Defense Force is as worthless as ever, despite their new orders to inflict death Bless their useless hearts for trying Although they clearly see Humanoid is laser burlet proof, they keep shooting him The collateral damage from the ricocheting laser burlets is more significant than the damage caused by Humanoid Worse still, when he lumbers up on a squad of officers they go in hand-to-hand resulting in piles of dead You just know the sanitation crews are rushing to call in vacation days. Somewhere along the way Humanoid drop s his wallet The Earthopolis Defense Force recovers it Finally, they have a name Goloid A quick DMV check turns up that he s no one of importance, a space garbage truck driver, but at least they have a name because whatever. Cut to Earthopolis Central. In the fracas Great Bruh escapes The City to the safety of Earthopolis Central How is a office building on the outskirts of town a safer hiding place for Great Bruh Becuase the script Little does Great Bruh know but nowhere is safe You see, Professor Crapspin has synthesized on Great Bruh s magnetic field, allowing him to pinpoint Great Bruh no matter where he goes Space science. While Great Bruh is checking his twitter feed, Goloid the Humanoid walks through the guards stationed outside There s no need for alarm because Princely Hero Nick has a full-proof Plan B a hydraulic trap to crush Goloid the Humanoid Great Bruh acts as bait, luring Goloid the Humanoid down the hallway and into the mashing chamber a hydraulic hammer crusher like the ones used to smash car at junk yards When Goloid the Humanoid steps into the crushinator, Great Bruh and Princely Hero Nick, stationed in the next room, throw the switch. Wait, wait, wait What kind of idiot designs an industrial crushing machine inside a building and makes you walk THROUGH it to get to the control room Do they not have safety managers in the space future That s an insurance NIGHTMARE just waiting to happen What s more, what kind of business is this that requires a mashing chamber I mean, I understand that it s in the script but this is giving off all kinds of mixed messages A mashing chamber is a pretty sinister device for a peaceful planet. Another side-effect of the Crapatron mutation not mentioned earlier is being mash proof Combined with being crazy strong, Goloid the Humanoid slips past the booby trap He subdues Princely Hero Nick by pushing him aside like a horse lazily swatting a fly, which knocks him unconscious Then, just as Goloid the Humanoid has Great Bruh in a choke hold, Professor Crapspin changes his command to kill Barbara Gibson. What Ugh, the script is really nothing more than a contrivance at this point. Unfortunately, Barbara left Earthopolis Central to gather her anti-Crapatron poisioning files, which are at her house Goloid the Humanoid shuffles off to get her, knowing where to go because presumably Professor Crapspin has synthesized on Barbara s magnetic field. Cut to Sun Destroyer. Lord Growl commands the pilot to fly causally, staying just out of space radar range so he can observe Humanoid s progress. No, seriously, thank you Normally that thank you would be sarcastic, but at this point the movie has been all over the place and I m not sure what s going on My intelligence drops wildly from scene to scene, so much so that I have no idea if Lord Growl is still the villain bent on revenge or a blithering moron sniffing his fingers after exploratory butt scratching. Cut to Barbara s House. Barbara is looking for the anti-Humanoid salve but she s too late Goloid the Humanoid wanders up to the house and strolls ri ght in He doesn t even need to knock because Barbara has set her front door to automatically open when anyone walks up. In another show of her infinite brilliance, she runs behind the glass door to her bedroom to hide In her defense, the glass is frosted and interior doors aren t set to automatically open, so yeah When Goloid the Humanoid busts through the glass Kool-Aid Man style, Barbara goes to plan B run into her jacuzzi bath to disorient him The theory goes something like this she s an attractive woman with a Coppertone tan wearing a white linen dress, the tub is full of water, and when the two are mixed the resulting show will appeal to Goloid the Humanoid s dumb-stick and his resulting pig fantasies will distract him Too bad yet another not mentioned side-effects of Crapatron exposure is chemical castration, rendering Goloid the Humanoid impervious to Wet White Linen Distraction Attacks. Luckily, as Goloid the Humanoid grabs Barbara, Tom Tom uses his Jeti Mind Ruse to stop him Fre ed, Barbara runs off, leaving Tom Tom to deal with the mess As crappy a move as that is, Tom Tom actually has everything under control He mostly de-humanoidifies Goloid the Humanoid, employing some wax on, wax off hand motions Goloid the Humanoid is only mostly cured in that the control Bindi disappears Otherwise, he is still a mute, indestructible rowbit. Cut to Desert. Meanwhile, Barbara frantically searches the deserted desert around her house for help A top scientist and teacher, huh As she s searching she runs into a squad of Squalltroopers looking for Goloid the Humanoid They tracked him to this part of the desert before they lost the signal from his control Bindi As always Tom Tom comes to the rescue Well, the werid performance artists from eariler do, but at Tom Tom s request so he gets credit They re armed with bows that shoot laser arrows, and because they are the good guys, they shoot the Squalltroopers in the back. Cut to Barbara s House. Goloid the Humanoid is waiting at the f ront door for Barbara and Tom Tom to return He s so happy to see them that he grunts, Bar bah rah. They patronize him with some, Good boy, Goloid Good boy encouraging words. Tom Tom uses the Farze to conjure up images of Lord Growl and Professor Crapspin with Barbara s help Wow She is capable of doing something useful, even if it s simply using her imagination to project images Goloid the Humanoid recognizes them with a scowl, prompting Barbara to ask what planet they are on Goloid the Humanoid grumbles, Kn ock off. What a good boy, Goloid You get a Humanoid snack. Barbara rushes off to tell Great Bruh and promptly gets kidnapped Who d have thunk that Lord Growl would send a SECOND squad of Squalltroopers. Goloid the Humanoid watches the ship with Barbara fly away as tears spill from his eyes Even Tom Tom and the Guardian Performance Artist Archers are powerless to stop the ship s escape, but whatever The important thing is Goloid the Humanoid is crying For some reason his tears are reassuring to Tom Tom. Cut to Sun Destroyer. Back on Sun Destroyer, the Squalltroopers deliver Barbara to Lord Growl, despite their standing orders to kill her Because the mission was a resounding failure Goloid the Humanoid defected before he could kill Barbara and Great Bruh, Lord Growl leaves to regroup on Planet Knockoff. Cut to The City. Princely Hero Nick, Great Bruh, Goloid the Humanoid, and Tom Tom brainstorm plans to rescue Barbara and get back the Crapatron A small strike team, i e Princely Hero Nick, is deemed mos t likely to succeed Sure, why not It s only the whole of Lord Growl s forces he ll be going up against Goloid the Humanoid volunteers to go, too With the big galoot on board, Great Bruh remarks, Now I know there s hope. So much for having faith in Princely Hero Nick, Great Bruh Not that anyone else has faith, but you didn t have to crush his spirit by saying that right to his face. Taking cue from Spritel, Tom Tom sneaks on Sesquicentennial Pelican Mark 2 Thus Team Hero 7 is complete. Cut to Planet Knockoff. Barbara is taken to Cell Block TK, Cell 427, at the very back of the building, which allows for lots of walking and looking evil After securing Barbara, Lord Growl interrogates Professor Crapspin about Goloid the Humanoid s failure Crapspin blames the control Bindi, which must have fallen off, but it was not his fault The good Indian glue is expensive, and because he was excommunicated Earthopolis is off limits so he had to use Elmer s, and well, he ll do better next time. Cut to Sesquicentennial Pelican Mark 2.As Hero Team 7 close in on Planet Knockoff a wave of enemy fighters engages them Tom Tom pilots Princely Hero shoots Pew pew pew Lord Growl s fighters blowses up. I make it sound more exciting than it actually is. After destroying the first wave, the elite fighter attacks with hyper galactic stellar ray, but the Pelican Mark 2 has gooder shields Princely Hero Nick returns fire and the elite ship explodes so hard both Tom Tom and Princely Hero Nick are knocked unconscious by the concussion Also, the Pelican Mark 2 is sent into the exact same tail spin the original Pelican experienced when it came into range of Planet Knockoff This is known as if you ve got the footage, use it or the Roger Corman school of filmmaking Goloid the Humanoid is unaffected by concussions so he is able to crash the Pelican Mark 2 safely He s nothing if not consistent. Cut to Desert, Planet Knockoff. Goloid the Humanoid and Tom Tom pull Princely Hero Nick out of the wreckage and open up his shirt to let his chest breathe Uncomfortable and needing an adult, Princely Hero Nick jerks awake with a gasp Thankfully UhOh 9 wanders up, disrupting their ancient Greek moment. Goloid th e Humanoid squinches up his face trying to work out why the robocur is familiar When it comes to him, Goloid the Humanoid is happier than a dog at a dirty underwear convention They hug and beep and grunt and blink UhOh 9 is so excited he can hardly control himself Not because of Goloid the Humanoid, but because there s something he wants to show them Lord Growl s base. Cut to Lord Growl s Base. There are two guards at the entrance to the base, a telephone booth sized structure in the middle of the desert UhOh 9 draws the guards around one side, allowing Goloid the Humanoid, Tom Tom, and Princely Hero Nick to slip in behind them UhOh 9 races around and gets in before the guards can make it around themselves Once Hero Team 7 are all inside they close the door, completely defeating the guards. This is why I harp on the importance of training all guards in proper door opening techniques Henchmen are notorious dolts Also, it s a good idea to outfitted guards with communication devices. Meanwhile, inside the base Professor Crapspin is loading the big missile with Crapatron He explains to us I mean, the audience I mean, Lord Growl and Lady Agatha Chesty that this missile will infect everyone on Earthopolis, making them an unstoppable army of humaniods Thanks We remember all that from earlier But there is a question what about control Bindis Without them they ll be uncontrol eh, never mind. Hero Team 7 watch the exposition from the safety of a suspended walkway high above the warehouse floor In the space future human hearing has greatly evolved, which is convenient evolutionary trait because now Hero Team 7 knows the plan and can focus on rescuing Barbara. Squalltroopers might be good shots as far as movie goons go, but they are blessed with the usual intelligence namely, they re ra ging morons As Hero Team 7 is sneaking through the service corridors, UhOh 9 manages to distract yet another set with the Roll By Casually Disorientation Maneuver. Eventually though, as good as UhOh 9 is, each hero has to shows his special skills What kind of action film would it be without a display of sweet skills Tom Tom uses the Farze to Jeti Mind Ruse some Goloid the Humanoid uses his fists to knocks a couple out and tosses a couple others in the air which also knocks them out Princely Hero Nick executes some dope Kung Fool moves, but only manages to disarm the guards Luckily Goloid the Humanoid is there to save him. Meanwhile, Barbara is put into the transparent iron maiden, except she gets to keep her clothes because she s a big star Hero Team 7 arrive just in time to stop the iron maiden s needles from poking Barbara Professor Crapspin, Lord Growl, and Lady Chesty look on stupidly Once Barbara is safe, Crapspin sends in the Squalltroopers A lot of good they are because Princely H ero Nick guns them down as they come through the door. Having distracted Hero Team 7, Crapspin turns on the narcotic gas and escapes with Growl and Lady Chesty He is confident their problems are solved, and they would be, that is, if UhOh 9, who happens to be right there in the room, and who is immune to the gas, doesn t roll over to the control panel and bump the off button. Guess what happens. Cut to Hanger. Meanwhile, in the hanger Lady Chesty pitches a major hissy because she hasn t had her life juice today Professor Crapspin gives her a V8 to tide her over, promising her an infusion of the good stuff once they re safely on the Sun Destroyer. Otherwise goons and Squalltroopers mill about listlessly, which is odd for a base on high alert for intruders, as well as supposedly preparing for a major offensive, but whatever. Before the villains head to the ship, Crapspin sets the final countdown, which in the real world means a timer but in this movie it means the pre-thrusters on the rocket start firing running continuously, even while technicians are still working on the rocket. Cut to Pew Pew Pew. The big battle Despite numbering in the thousands, the Squalltroopers don t stand a chance against Hero Team 7 Even UhOh 9 gets in on the fight He utilizes his Diarrhea-Slick Attack, which is exactly what its name suggests he squirts some mustard colored juice from his hindquarters that causes the Squalltroopers to slip and fall, which, of course, knocks them out. Man, Squalltroops are really fragile. Naturally, most of the fight falls on Goloid the Humanoid s strong shoulders And why not He is laser burlet proof and super strong In fact, he s so awesome that it s like he s enabled God mode Why should the others risk themselves Besides, there s only a few minutes of runtime left Let the unstoppable rowbit get it over with already As a bonus, by engaging God mode Goloid the Humanoid now has the sweet finishing move Pole Throw Decapitation Attack, which he uses to drop eight Squalltroopers that just happen to be lined up perfectly. And, of course, when things look grim, i e Goloid the Humanoid is busy elsewhere, there s Tom Tom s two Guardian Performance Artist Archers There in a pinch to shoot people in the back. Meanwhile, sequestered in a corner for safety, Lady Chesty melts from lack of life juice Thus freed of her incessant nagging, Lord Growl jumps on the Sun Destroyer and makes to bug out Unfortunately one of the boxes on the lift slips and ja ms the loading ramp open He s not worried He ll send a peon down to fix it later when they re in the safety of space. Naturally, Princely Hero Nick uses the gap to sneak in for. Cut to Final Boss Battle. In the Sun Destroyer, Lord Growl s escape is thwarted because everyone is out fighting He can t pilot the ship alone, but he can face Princely Hero Nick. He uses Laser Hands, a Black Side of the Farze power Laser Hands has two modes of attack first, Laser Judo Chop which works for melee attacks second, Laser Burlet Fingers for ranged attacks Lucky for Princely Hero Nick, Lord Growl is the exact opposite of the Squalltroopers as far as fighting is concerned The only thing Lord Growl manages to hit is the control panels, which are destroyed, completely negating any chance of escape, even if Lord Growl did managed to kill Princely Hero Nick and get some peons to pilot for him. After several minutes of scene destruction special effects to add production value , Goloid the Humanoid sneaks up beh ind Lord Growl and squeezes him so hard he disappears, a la Obie Wan or Yoda. Huh I guess there was some good in Lord Growl. To help further differentiate Growl s death from the obvious Jedi death rip-off, Tom Tom s spirit materializes to explain that Lord Growl was evil incarnate and evil and good are always in constant battle, neither can ever be destroyed completely blah, blah, blah Whatever Tom Tom disappears. Without Lord Growl to hold the base together, everything starts to explode Barbara, Princely Hero Nick, Tom Tom and UhOh 9 race to escape Goloid the Humanoid grabs the Crapatron warhead from the rocket. Cut to Desert Outside Lord Growl s Base. Goloid the Humanoid carries the warhead to a nearby lake and jumps in with it The water ignites the warhead Good thing he stopped and grabbed the warhead, otherwise it would have been destroyed and buried in the base explosion Barbara, Princely Hero Nick, Tom Tom and UhOh9 cry because of the sacrifice of their dear friend of the last half hour. But what s this Goloid the human emerges from the water complete with his beard, memory, and humanity in tact For some reason when he was bombarded with MORE Crapatron he became human again Or was it the blast from the bomb knocked the Crapatron out of him Eh, who cares, the movie is almost over so just go with it. Then, just when things couldn t get any stupider, they get stupiderer a crystal Viking ship floats up with the two Guardian Performance Artist Archers to take Tom Tom back to the Grayhaven, or ancient Tibet, or Denny s. UhOh 9 squeak-barks happily while Barbara takes Princely Hero Nick and Goloid s hands. Aw Happy ending. The end crawl narrator tells us Once again planet Earth had narrowly escaped disaster Once again, it had found in itself the intelligence, the insight and the strength to repel a mortal enemy Once again, man was to live at peace in the galaxy. REALIZE names like Nick and Barbara are futurific. WATCH Richard Jaws Kiel own the role of a lumbering, inhuman rowbit. WITNESS Barbara Agent XXX Bach s low cut top do all the acting for her. MEAR Marco Yeh spout jibberish in an attempt to sound like a learned space Buddhist. MARVEL At UhOh 9 s Diarrhea Slick Attackments Off on How to Keep Movie Night Healthy. We all know that watching a movie and settling into the couch on a Friday night, heck, on any night, is extremely healthy It s important to relax once in awhile, and even more important to take your mind off of the everyday goings on whether your preferred movie is more mindless entertainment, or you like a deep-thinking kind of flick, watching a movie is often the best remedy for anything that is bothering you. At the same time, sometimes the way that we end up watching these movies turns it into a bit of an unhealthy habit Do you find yourself eating microwaved popcorn, candy bars, and ice cream Is your go to beverage a soda or energy drink If you eat a bit of junk food from time to time, that is not a problem But if you are a true movie fiend, and you end up eating this way several nights per week, your health is going to get out of whack pretty fast. Make sure that you take care of your body by eating right during movie nights Many people are thinking right now that they did not settle into the couch so they could snack on baby carrots and ranch dip, or crunch down on some oven-roasted kale chips But eating right doesn t have to mean it either is not appetizing or takes a ton of effort to make. When you sign up for a service like Nutrisystem you get the double benefit of eating right and also not having to spend a ton of time and energy on doing so Take advantage of the great coupons available through Groupon and Nutrisystem to score 40 off of every order and get free shipping, and even to get 25 off of your first two orders plus free bars and shakes. Turning your movie night around into a completely healthy habit, both mentally and physically, takes very little effort, and not much of a cash outlay either Enjoy your movie night guilt free with Nutrisystem, and you might find that movie night expands into movie nights, multiple times each weekments Off on The Twelve Slays of Xmas The Twelfth Slay. Season s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway 2016 has been a difficult year We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious election which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking It s been a real bummer. And now to compound things it s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year While everybody else is opening up their presents, others are opening up their wrists because the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays Kate Beringer, Gremlins In light of this year s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what s a mutant to do. This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and le arned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life. The Lost Highway proudly presents The Twelve Slays of Xmas. The Twelfth Slay of Xmas A Christmas Horror Story. We re finishing strong A Christmas Horror Story an anthology with five stories so it s a five-fer. First If you re a teen fight all your natural urges Lock yourself in a room and pray to Jesus until you re an adult Otherwise you ll break into your school to film a documentary, or have the sexuals, or just be an insufferable jerk, and rightfully be murdered horribly Or, worse yet, end up pregnant, a fate far worse than death, no matter how gruesome. Second Never trespass on someone s property to steal a Xmas tree There is good chance that the property is infested with evil, shapeshifting trolls that will kidnap your child and take his her place Once in your home the troll will wreck shop and kill everyone in its path Just pay for a tree They re not that expensive. Third Don t be a self-centered jerk family Evil doesn t really need a reason to destroy you, but it sure does make things easy when you ve got the bastard equivalent of a neon sign pointing you out When your whole family has said signs just kiss your butt goodbye In other words, be good for goodness sake. Forth If Santa s elves start acting crazy, like chopping into their own hand when offered a cookie, put those little monsters down This is a sign of the elvish zombie infection and just like regular zombie infection, nothing good can ever come from a zombie outbreak Aim for the head Double tap. SPOILER ALERT If you haven t seen A Christmas Horror Story yet stop reading and go watch the movie There be spoilers ahead. Fifth If that last bit of advice seemed unrealistic, it was Sort of See, sometimes the infection isn t out there in the world so much as it is inside one s head Sometimes life is a big M Night Shymalan twist and what we thought were zombie elves are really just normal people, dressed in elf costumes, working crappy jobs at the local mall Some times the truth is a regular guy, dressed as Santa, has flipped his lid and gone on a killing spree So, before you re all in on a sweet zombie stomping maybe take a moment to pinch yourself lest you later discover you re not Santa, the elves are not zombies, and the light blinding you is headlights from the SWAT team about to take you out. And there you have it twelve days, twelve practical pieces of advice to help you navigate this crazy world, cherry picked from the treasure trove of therapeutic psychology that is b-movies and delivered by your friends at The Lost Highway We hope you had a safe and happy Xmas and wish you all the best for the coming year. Watch the trailer for A Christmas Horror Storyments Off on The Twelve Slays of Xmas The Eleventh Slay. Season s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway 2016 has been a difficult year We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious elect ion which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking It s been a real bummer. And now to compound things it s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year While everybody else is opening up their presents, others are opening up their wrists because the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays Kate Beringer, Gremlins In light of this year s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what s a mutant to do. This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and learned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life. The Lost Highway proudly presents The Twelve Slays of Xmas. The Eleventh Slay of Xmas Black Christmas. The call is always coming from inside the house It doesn t matter if it s some random Friday night or Xmas eve, when there s a killer on the loose with a penchant for calling his victims to terrorize them, he is ALWAYS doing so from inside the house Moreover, the prevalence of cell phones has only served to further help the Phone Call Terrorist Psycho Now the call can be coming from the same boat, train, plane so long as it s not taking off or landing , or any other number of places which heretofore had no phone lines. So beware The killer is calling from very close by, which makes sense because if he was far away he wouldn t be much of a threat as a killer, would he. Watch the trailer for Silent Night, Deadly Nightments Off on The Twelve Slays of Xmas The Tenth Slay. Season s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway 2016 has been a difficult year We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious election which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking It s been a real bummer. And now to compound things it s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year While everybody else is opening up their presents, others are opening up their wrists because the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays Kate Beringer, Gremlins In light of this year s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what s a mutant to do. This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and learned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life. The Lost Highway proudly presents The Twelve Slays of Xmas. The Tenth Slay of Xmas Silent Night. We here at The Lost Highway are firm believers in the Ancient Greek idea of moderation Anything done to excess can become a problem We ve seen it time and time again Case in point, a small town with a big Santa festival draws a large number of Santa impersonators What could be wrong with that, you ask Well, if someone is bug nut crazy and wants to go on a killing spree dressed as Santa and who HASN T had that thought, amirite , such a small town would be a great place to go a murdering. So see, even something as innocent as a Santa Claus festival can have dire consequences You may be waving your hands dismissing this warning as so much hogwash, but ignore this admonition at your peril We won t be so tacky as to say we told you so, but we told you so. Watch the trailer for Silent Night. Chapter seven currency options and options markets. 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